What is my real purpose in life?
Before I went to medschool, I was so determined that I need to be a doctor because it was what I told them I would be, because my family needs someone to be proud of me, and because I want to build my dreams with her from it. But as time goes by, I am being left out, I’m really working my butt off from studying, but it is still not good enough. It makes me doubt of my skills and the said potentials that I have to be a doctor. It is really a big expectation to just blew it all away. And then after the break up, I was so messed up, I still try to concentrate, try to busy myself from school, but I wasn’t able to climb back easily. Now, everything is fine with us again, I guess, she says that she still loves me but she can’t come back as easily and that she wants to make sure of things first. It’s kinda frustrating but I am still contented of what she can give, I’m still happy to have her and I’m really happy to know that she still loves me. Now, I’m trying to keep up again with the lost I have made, I need to regain what was lost next semester.
Right now, I am wandering about what I really want to do in life. What am I really happy to work with? As what I know, I am happy to write, to sing, to dance, to take pictures, to do anything under the sun, to make her happy, to make my family happy, to help others in need…but reality check, there is no such profession of sort with those kind of stuffs. My mom and my family will bite my head out if I do so follow what I want. So I gues I am just stuck on what society has given me. A responsibility to uphold with, sworn to fulfill it or else.
I just want to excel on something I am happy of, to be honest I am happy to be a doctor because I will be able to help others, I just hope I can help myself as well through this.
What my heart is really shouting as of the moment? A simple business, maybe a coffee shop and a net shop will be fine, simple yet functional to get earnings to give to my mom and to be with her always. I hate this kind of feeling. I have to be strong. Focus on what is at hand. It really sucks that you are so great on giving advices but you can’t follow your one advice. Ironic isn’t? I give so much, but I don’t think of myself that I forgot how it is to live. I am so crumped up with fear, inferiority, criticism and mediocrity. I don’t even know if I believe my own self’s capabilities.
Why is it so hard to find your purpose in life? How long should we look for it?